THE RELUCTANT MATCHMAKEE

Dear M’aam,

My name is Edward and I live in your hometown of Augusta, Georgia. I am 17 years old and cannot wait to get out of my parents house after high school graduation. I am sorry to have to speak this directly, but I have had more than enough of my Momma’s constant and embarrassing control of my life. Since I was 15 she has been trying to fix me up with what she calls “a good Christian girlfriend.” M’aam, her choices have had one or more of the following problems: drooling, wandering eye, mustache, sideburns and several have ended up stalking me on Facebook at my home and I found one hiding in my car. These are girls that Momma meets at church or at her 3 county Bible study, through their Mommas.

I am very tired of it. I have a girlfriend, though when I tried to introduce her to Momma, she was awful. My girlfriend, Desdamona, is into Goth. Which I would be too if Momma wasn’t so much bigger than me and sat on me with nail polish remover when I painted my nails black, then slapped me upside the head and said “Do that again and forever sing soprano” before frighteningly grabbing hold of my boys and saying “You know I will.” I have to leave for school an hour ahead to go to my hidey place where I keep my Goth gear. But that’s not the main subject.

What can I do? I have to go on these ridiculous blind dates or she’ll hurt me.

Signed,

Sad and Slightly Soprano

 

Dear SASS,

Hon, I feel your pain, though not literally. You need to develop yourself a reputation that shames your Momma as well.

The next blind date you have, you take the girl to a very public restaurant where you know your Momma’s church friends frequent. During appetizers you arrange for Desdemona to barge in on you wearing a wedding dress and sporting a large baby bump. Desdemona charges to your table, lifts you out of your chair and smacks you with the bouquet saying “So THIS is how you stand me and your future child up!!!! By cavorting with HARLOTS” – at which point Desdamona fixes a hateful stare on the unwitting girl. Then have Desdemona call the girl various names like “Whore of Satan”, “Demon bitch of hell” and such like. You will be asked to leave the restaurant, of course, and THIS will be the humiliation you’re looking for. No good Christian girl wants to be asked to leave a public place while other church members are watching. The news will fly through your church community before the next Sunday’s service. And no one will tell your Momma why you were asked to leave, because that’s how they roll. She will just be shunned and whispered about behind her back, with sympathetic “there there’s” to her face, and never know why until her best friend tells her you were “asked to leave” the restaurant. You get your best buddy to tell her that this is what happens every time she fixes you up and VOILA! That will be the end of that.

Walk tall now SASS and make sure this never happens again. Next chapter: getting your mom to love Desdemona by piercing her own eyebrow as a sign of solidarity. 

IB Crabby

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Tell Mrs. Crabby all!