My Dear Mrs. C.,
I am writing to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day! Though, in my opinion, every day should be Mother’s Day, don’t you think so, dearie?
My son married his current wife, who he met while married to his first wife when the little tart came to live with them as an exchange student.
My son’s precious and cherished first wife still remembers me at Mother’s Day! Isn’t that sweet, dearie? Every year I get a lovely tin of Scottish shortbread, a bouquet of yellow roses and a glittered card with beautiful handwritten sentiments of devotion written into them. Here’s the brilliant poem from last year:
Happy Mother’s Day
To you from me.
I think of you always,
even when I pee.
See? Precious. And here’s what I get from my current daughter-in-law:
That’s right. Nothing. My question, dearie, who should I remember in my will?
Not A Single Thing Yet!!!
A few notes for you here –
1. Your first daughter-in-law is obviously extremely needy and this partially explains why she is the first and not current wife of your son.
2. Your main focus is obviously on your daughters-in-law and what they do or do not get you as a gift, and not anywhere on your son. My guess is that your son is an adorable lug who was raised with no sense of holiday giving whatsoever, which is attributable to bad parenting.
3. I know it’s you, Mother Crabby. You told us not to send you anything on Mother’s Day because you believe it’s a fake holiday made up by card companies. But, hon, if it’s poems you want, then it’s poems you get:
My mother-in-law, Mrs. Crabby,
Is all wrinkled up and quite flabby.
She hates me all day
Yet cannot stay away
Though we’d all like to send her to an abbey!!!!!
(Check your mailbox this year, hon. Gift’s on the way…..