Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I have no problems. This has become a terrible thing. Everyone I meet hates my guts because I have no problems, and even when they hate my guts they give me everything I ask for!

I am drop dead handsome. I have a 7-figure income. My wife is astonishingly beautiful (and she hates my guts too, though she is completely wonderful and subservient to me). My children, who – yes you guessed it, also hate my guts – are straight A students who are doing wonderfully and are extremely popular (though their friends and the friends parents hate my guts as well).

My life is perfect. Everything I set my mind to, I get. I was so tired of this that I began to do philanthropic work. I’ve saved 3 soup kitchens, 2 shelters, a troubled church and some homeless guys, and ALL these people hate my guts now. They tell me they were better off hoping to be saved. Now that they’re saved, there’s nothing to hope for.

I don’t get it. How can things be so miserable when I have NO PROBLEMS!!

Mr. Mystified


Dear Mr. Mystified,

Well, hon, beats me because I’m not all that fond of you either. 

You must have pissed off a deity or imp somewhere along the line. I recommend hieing yourself to a Tibetan monastery where, even though they’ll probably hate your guts as well, they won’t tell you about it.

IB Crabby


1 thought on “MY LIFE IS PERFECT!

  1. He should shave his head in pennance. On second thought, his head would have perfect shape and he’d lok like Bruce Willis

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