Dear Mrs. Crabby,

You and your husband seem to have a hot relationship. What is the secret to this? I have been married 5 times and each and every time, the hot romance leaves about a week after the honeymoon and I am then expected to go out and work 3 jobs, keep the house clean, manage the finances, organize the social calendar, and provide hot sex daily.

I’m exhausted! Why are there bait and switch laws for car sales but not for marriage? This is unfair. I know it’s not just women who get this treatment. Men go through this as well! It’s entrapment, I tell you!! I want the romance to last and it never does. At least I put up with it for less time than before, but still it always ends badly.

Please help Mrs. Crabby! How can I tell if the next one is really going to be the one? What is the procedure? Is the truth of love that there really is no such thing as hot romance? Is it all fake?


Heart Broken



Dear Heart Broken,

Hon, hon, hon….Were you County schooled, hon? Goodness gracious!!

Hot romance is for the young. It is a hardwired neural receptor reaction based on chemical hormonal surges that were designed to keep our species alive by propagation. Period. That’s really all it is. The twisted part of it is that for men, these surges occur the strongest between the ages of 12 and 25 and for women they kick in strongest at about age 30. It’s a puzzler for sure. But my personal opinion is that it’s on the list of one of God’s little private jokes with himself.

But, hon, do NOT despair, please! We have to shift the focus of romance off of hot sex and back onto other things. For some folks it’s financial security and that’s where you go after someone with money and then be satisfied! For other folks it’s quiet companionship and that’s where you go after someone you enjoy beating at cards, and then be satisfied. And be discreet when you look outside for the hot sex. Know yourself, hon, and look at what gives you daily satisfaction. I’ll warrant that many folks will discover they are perfectly happy living with a best friend more than a lover. Europeans have figured this out quite successfully. They often marry for financial or social status, and then go elsewhere for whoopee. And nobody shakes fingers at them. To their face.

This Victorian ideal of romance is just not realistic. Though it is extremely profitable for divorce lawyers, family court judges and psychotherapists. This ideal has spawned more lying and self-delusion than fashion designing.

Of course there are love stories of folks who marry young and stay happily together all their lives. Just like geese and ducks. But, hons, truth be told this takes a lot of hard work, sacrifice and commitment and our current society is just not at all about that any more. It’s just too much work and takes away from our online hobbies. We don’t do it, we don’t teach it and we don’t have patience for it. We want what we want when we want it. And that is RIGHT NOW!!!

Of course, this likely means our species is in the “circle the drain process”, but for goodness’ sake, let’s enjoy ourselves on the way out!

“….we’re different, we have better things to do…”

IB Crabby


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