OUR THIRD EYELID, for starters.

Who knew, hons? Sometime back in our species history, we had a third eyelid! Just like a bird or an amphibian or like our mother-in-law …a reptile!

This extra leftover remnant is called the Plica Semilunaris. Or a Nictitating Membrane. That’s right. Again, nowadays it’s found in birds, reptiles, fish and us! Though ours is mostly just for show and has no efficacious function of mention. Apparently cats and dogs have it too! And elephants. Though I would imagine with a cyclops there isn’t one because of the argument “which end of the eye is the corner?” And for us it has no useful purpose whatsoever!

There was a time when some of our bits were considered “vestigial” because the medical community did not yet know what they were for. Such as the thyroid and hippocampus. Hippocampus….Isn’t that a WONDERFUL name for a piece of human guts, hons? I imagine this college living in all our brains:

As we learn more about the function of our guts, what might be actually useful that we now consider “vestigial” or “junk parts?”

It seems that the spleen mends a broken heart. Lyricists worldwide will need to rewrite classic tunes immediately!

And I quite like the Vomeronasal Organ! An extra sense of smell! If we can learn to develop this, it might help us to smell a rat, which would change the face of all future elections! Not to mention making us all rich knowing which investment banker is honest and true.

And apparently “goose bumps” are considered a vestigial throw back to the days we scared off predators by fluffing out our hair to look bigger. Though this does not explain why they come up when we’re cold. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could scare off unwanted attention by harnessing this lost sense? No more unwanted stalkers or bill collectors when we “poof” ourselves out and bounce them across the street with our big balloons of bumps!

There is a world of things to do to keep us busy while we are under or unemployed, hons. After mastering these vestigial elements, think of the e-books and songs and YouTube films we can create! Endless possibilities of things to do while we lose our body hair, tooth number and jaw size, along with our viability as a welcomed planetary resident.

Yes, that’s right hons. I suspect that at some point all of our species will be known to mother earth as “vestigial.” As happened with virgins.

Therefore, to quote the wonderful lyricist, Tim Rice, from Chess, the musical, “Never waste a hot afternoon.”

I.B. Crabby

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Tell Mrs. Crabby all!