PHILIP HAS TWELVE TOES!

Dear Ms. Crabby,

Summer beach season is soon upon us, yet again. I dread this more and more every year. I am a 32-year-old man who can only date in the winter, fall and some of the spring. I can never go on pool or beach dates and this curtails summer time romancing.

This sad state of affairs is due to an unfortunate defect of my feet. I have six toes on each foot. They actually look like perfectly normal feet, but anytime someone spies them I see the odd shake of the head and then the stare and sometimes they even count out loud! Because they are fully functional toes my doctor says that they should not be removed. And my occasional bouts with athlete’s foot are exceptionally difficult.

I am forced to purchase custom-made shoes, as my feet are unusually wide. And being very tall at 6’1-1/2″, I wear a large shoe size at 12 U.S. mens. And as much as I love the look of them, I could never wear these –

I would like to get married and have a family. The problem is that any time I date a woman any length of time, when it comes time for unveiling my feet – this has proven to be a deal breaker for everyone so far. I can get away with intimacy while keeping my socks on for only so long.

What should I do? I am seriously tired of this and want to move on.

Thanks,

Twelve-toed Phil

 

Dear Phil,

Oh hon, of all the problems someone could have in the world, this is actually a more interesting one!! You are very special. You are a polydactyly! Only an estimated .02 percent of men in the world have this gene expressed.

Be that as it may, you are obviously not comfortable with it yet. I suggest that your next personal mission is to make yourself attractively splendid for the very reason of having this! If you have any advertising skills or are an attorney, you will know how to skew talking about your condition into terms of how it indicates sexual prowess (just think of all the fun things an extra toe can do!!!) and intellectual superiority!! Politicians do this all the time. Though these days, not quite as convincingly.

Have a custom pair of those running shoes made for you! It will be worth the investment. Flaunt your fortune, hon!

Also, with the internet making us such a closer-knit global community, start an online support group. I would bet that you will meet wonderful women doing this! And women who come to the party with full disclosure and acceptance, hon! You can put a community bulletin board on the site for photos, travel plans, toenail clipping tips and good referrals for shoemakers!

It’s time to kick up those heels now, hon. Because if you shut up and suck it up you’ll just have to keep burying your feet in the sand!

IB Crabby

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