Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am 15 years old. I got caught stealing a Mr. Goodbar from a store. The manager grabbed me by the wrist  and told me to never come back in. My parents are having problems right now and my dad’s new girlfriend used to work at this store until she got fired after being caught giving me a beer.

I get money from my mom. She gives me Visa cards for allowance. And I would’ve paid for the candy, but the card was emptied out after I bought the latest issue of Penthouse. And I was hungry after all that “work” in the restroom.

My question is, should I tell my mom? I don’t think the store manager will tell her, because I’ve caught him smoking dope in the alley. But you never know who you can trust any more. I have a good relationship with my mom, but I’m afraid if I tell her, she’ll turn on me like my BFF Brandon did after he caught me doing his girlfriend in his pool house.

Please help. I want to do the right thing.





Dear Gregory,

Hon, apparently your parents problems are blinding them to your tremendous need for boundaries and attention! They need help too, hon! There are just so many issues here, I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll just go through your letter step by step.

First is the stealing itself. Your dad’s girlfriend was fired from this same store for giving you a gift, no matter how illegal and inappropriate. Obviously you are angry about this and want to get back at the store. The fact that you stole a “Mr. Goodbar” and not a Milky Way, Mars or Snickers, tells me that you were trying to avenge the woman’s firing, and likely consequence of her unemployment (she may try something crazy like getting pregnant now and force your dad to leave your mom, which will make things even more confusing). You were obviously being the “Good Guy” super hero. And buying the Penthouse and not a Playboy indicates that your anger was quite “pent-up” and needed release.

Of course you’re confused about who to trust. I would imagine that Brandon’s girlfriend led you on and may well have had an agenda of “pay back” on Brandon by allowing you to “do her” in his pool house. Girls are far more advanced than boys at your age when it comes to creating drama and scenarios. I would suggest that you have a sit down with Brandon and compare notes over the girlfriend. It may become clear that you were both “set up.”

As for your mom, you need to tell her right away. If she does find out from the store manager, it will not go well for you and you are likely to lose your allowance. Moms are actually grateful when their offspring confess without duress. In fact, you may well get an increase in your allowance if you handle this correctly. You would not have stolen if you had more on that card, now, would you?

My last messages to you, hon, are do not drink! You will have plenty of years ahead after you are the legal age to destroy your liver and brain cells that your body is working so hard to grow today. Next, stop stealing! There are better ways to increase your cash flow than stealing and you need allies as a teenager. Be creative! If you have a camera phone, you can sell photos of things like the manager’s alley habit. And finally, never mess with your best friend’s girl. This is just poor form all around. Even if they have broken up. It’s a violation of human tribal custom. Next time check out if she has a cute friend or sister or mom. That’s the place to go.

Now instead of shutting up and sucking it up, go to your mom and spill the beans! Or peanuts as at were – being a Mr. Goodbar and all.

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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