TREADING HAVOC

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I cannot seem to escape drama and disaster in my life. Everywhere I turn, there is havoc. When I go to the market, produce will fall from the bins for no reason! At least once a week, sometimes more in the summer, a young man on a skateboard will fall when passing in front of my car. I can’t use credit cards any more because every time that I do, the entire store’s registers crash and go offline. My husband says I’m ridiculous to believe this, at least I think that’s what he said through the bandages from last week’s walking into the shower door and breaking the glass on his face. Though my son tries to tell him he witnesses these things all the time.

What is going on? Is there any way I can stop this?

Signed, Indra

 

Dear Indra,

First, you might want to change your name.

After that, you can try googling magical spells, charms and whatever to reverse bad luck. But frankly, it seems to me that in today’s economy, you might be better off turning your strange talent into a monetized scheme. Seriously.

There are probably countless people out there who would love to have you accompany them to social gatherings they would enjoy having cut short. Not to mention holiday dinners. And the potential for helping jilted lovers find revenge is endless! 

Don’t be shy. Put yourself out there as a service provider. Charge a ridiculous amount of money, because this practice tends to legitimize the most outrageous businesses. For example – psychics who charge $500 an hour to ask you questions in order to “predict” your answers; plumbers who charge $2,000 to clear a line you could do yourself with a $46.95 product from Home Depot; or Dungeon Masters who make $5,000 a night for calling a client names like “stupid maggot face” and the like. 

I’ll bet that you can increase your earnings exponentially with your kind of talent. 

Think about it. 

IB Crabby

I dunno!