TURN THE TABLES, LADIES! Part One

GENERALLY SPEAKING:

When an older man chases after a woman younger than his grandchildren he is considered virile and manly, given slaps on the back and attaboys and kudos. Cigars are bought for him.

When an older woman chases after a much younger man, she is called a cradle robbing cougar and considered sleazy and the younger man is denigrated as dumb.

In both cases, the younger partners have daddy or mommy issues. And most of them are gold diggers. Generally speaking.

It’s high time we older ladies ramped up our potential opportunities for love and sex in our golden years! But in order to do that, we must face harsh realities.

~Women age less gracefully than men.

~We both dry up sexually, but in our case, ladies, it’s not just a loss of desire, it’s also a pain issue.

~Society tends to provide more positive feedback for the traditional grandmother look:

Child_pushing_grandmother_on_plastic_tricycle

(cscott2006 at http://flickr.com/photos/46242866@N00/5325050252)

As opposed to the hot grandmother look:

old-lady-in-thong

Sure, you can see the reasoning of this. But still.

You’re going to need beauty updates. Maybe even some surgery. No grey hair. Color it back up again. Update your moisturizer. Cash in some of your old silver for botox.

You’re going to need to clean the cobwebs from your lady chamber and grease that opening again. Remember orgasms? You can still have them, girls! Go to Amazon and use your AARP discount to buy some sex toys for practice. Make sure your denture grip is stronger than the vibrator. You don’t want any embarrassing slippage there. You just have to get back into shape.

Speaking of shape, get back to the gym! Oil your walker up and take it out for regular spins.

Fold those droopy boobies up into some sexy corsets and get your cleavage back. Hide your flabby middle behind some good hooks and eyes. Hint: Men hate Spanx. They’re hard to take off and they make you look like a beluga whale.

Most important – tie up all your assets in an iron clad trust. The last harsh truth is that these younger boy toys are likely going to be looking for a big payday with you. You’re going to have a better car, a bigger bank account and they will find your assets sexier than your ass. You want to dangle it, but by a speedy pull back hook. Use it to your advantage. At your age, hon, you want to hold onto the ranch while availing yourself of the hands.

I’ll be addressing these important issues again in later posts. You have enough homework here to get started.

IB Crabby